Finding The One

Finding the one are matters of the heart and we all deep down search for this person, especially if we want to build a family one day. I don’t believe there is only one soul mate, I think there can be many in your life time, as we evolve. We have all dated those guys, you know the ones I am talking about. The ones that lead you on, break your heart and of course disappoint you. Well after many years of dating, I think I have pretty much seen the gambit of what kinds of men are out there. The wrong ones have RED flags that are pretty much the same, the right ones have GREEN flags that are also quite similar. I am not going to tell you what to do in your relationships, but I will share with you the red and green flags to be aware off when you are dating. Keep your eye out for them in the first month of dating. They are tried, tested and true, you don’t need to take my word for it, however, if you are looking for your soul mate, then I highly suggest you read this blog to the end. (I have selected a few books and videos you can read/listen to at the bottom of the blog reaffirming these important flags)

  • MR. WRONG

Here are the red flags to avoid. If your man has one of these let him go, he’s not worth the headache or heartbreak that will be yet to come.

1) Emotionally unavailable: Generally, if he just came out of a long-term relationship, he is most likely not ready to open his heart up and dive into a new one. He just wants to have fun, so he will not invest in you (time, money, and heart).

2) Neurotic: He gets bored quickly and needs to constantly experience new highs. Now I know this can be exciting in the beginning, but studies show that neurotic men will also get bored with you fast and have a high tendency for cheating and alcohol abuse.

3) Narcissistic: The focus of his conversation, needs and attention is always on him. Narcissists do not have compassion for others and generally their world revolves around them and their needs, there is no room for someone else’s. If you are not willing to live by their rules and their needs the relationship will not last.

4) Cheap: Someone who is thrifty will always be thrifty and if he often lets you pay, then he is not generous. It’s a very unattractive quality because no matter how much he makes he will never share it or spend it on you, and when he does he will make sure you know it. If you are a generous person stay away, it will hinder your relationship because your expectations will be very different and you will become disappointed.

5) Low Self- Esteem: This one is a biggie ladies. A man with low self-esteem will only bring you down with him because he is insecure and will project his insecurities on you. Generally, this is done by belittling you (dreams, looks, friends/family, etc..) and dismissing your feelings. He can also accuse you of things you haven’t done or demonstrate jealousy and possessiveness, as they are his own insecurities.

6) Non-demonstrative: Being demonstrative is showing how you love someone, it is action based as love is action based. People show you who they are and how they will treat you. If you are an affectionate person and your partner isn’t, it will make you feel rejected. If you are not an affectionate person then you can show your affection in other ways like giving gifts, words of affection, acts of services or just spending lots of quality time. Make sure your man is showing you what you need, if he doesn’t try then he’s not the one.

7) Mommy issues: Now ladies, this one can make or break your relationships in the long run. A man that has a good relationship with his mother will almost always treat his girlfriend/ wife with love and respect. However, the opposite it equally true. If a man hates his mothers or has a bad relationship with her, he will most likely dislike women and be disrespectful of them in one way or another. The issues he has with his mother will be pushed onto you indirectly.

8) Verbally Abusive: Here are some signs of verbal abusive. Is he dismissive? Does he criticize you, insult your intelligence or person? Does he make you feel like you are always the villain in his stories? Is he condescending towards you? Are you afraid to express your feelings to him?  If you answer yes to even one of these questions you are most likely with a verbally abusive man. GET OUT NOW!

9) Liar: This one is to be avoided big time. If you start catching him in white lies, you know that he doesn’t tell the truth. I know white lies may not seem that important but the fact of the matter is they are, because if he can lie about the small stuff, he will lie about the big stuff, therefore he is NOT TRUSTWROTHY. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship.

10) Disrespectful: A relationship will never last if you do not have mutual respect. It is one of the foundational characteristics of a healthy and happy relationship. He must show respect toward you, your family, your friends and your goals in life, as you do for his. If your goals, values and dreams are not aligned the chances of your relationship being fulfilling and long lasting are stacked against you both.

  • MR. RIGHT

Let’s look at the qualities which are fundamental to a healthy, loving and long term relationship. Firstly, the man must be willing, ready and able to engage in a monogamous relationship. He should be emotionally available and demonstrate the following qualities if you want to ensure you are with a guy that has what it takes on the long run for a happy relationship. Here are the green flags:

  1. Kind
  2. Agreeable
  3. Compassionate
  4. Trustworthy
  5. Respectful
  6. Family oriented
  7. Financially responsible
  8. Generous
  9. Ambitious
  10. Good communicator

I did not go into detail in this list because the 10 GREEN FLAGS are self-explanatory. Gentlemen, if you are reading this blog, these qualities can apply equally to the women you choose. It’s now up to you to pay attention, listen and find your ONE.

Love and heart break have a huge effect on our lives, they affect our brain, our bodies and our behaviours. Relationships are such an important part of our society and existence, so try to make the most of the ones you have whether it be with friends, lovers, family or coworkers. Get away from toxic relationships and embrace healthy positive ones. Remember to surround yourself with people you aspire to be like and you will elevate your own inner world.

Here are some great books/tests/video’s to help you on your journey to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.

The science of happily ever after

The five languages of love test 

Primal man and primal woman the gender significance in relationships

 

 

 

 

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